Fifty Shades of exhaustion…..

from being up late reading the book Fifty Shades of Grey. I know I am very late to the party with this, but I refused to be a part of the phenomena for many years. I had a Christian Grey and I was very similar to Ana. Let me rephrase that a bit. I had a MUCH poorer Christen Grey, not as hot, and not as fit, but deviant just the same. I was 19, he was 25 and the brother of my best friend at the time. Needless to say, she ended that friendship and treated me as though I didn’t exist when he and I were together. Ridiculous, really. It’s been 30 years since that relationship, but there were many years that I had a very warped idea of what was ‘normal’ or ‘comfortable’, and that I could actually say NO if I was not interested. He and I are the only people who know the depths of that relationship’s deviance. Some know bits and pieces, but NO ONE knows the full story. My husband knows very little, and he has made it clear that if we ever run into ‘HIM’ just keep on walking and make no introduction because he will lose his shit with that “Mother Fucker” (direct quote from my spouse). So, anyway, I watched the movies before reading the books. As a degreed Sociologist, I immediately became fascinated with the underlying story of Christian. What made him tick? How bad was it? Fictional story, yes, I know that, but it’s Realistic Fiction, and I am drawn to what environmental factors play into a persons deviant lifestyle, beit drugs, alcohol, sex, murder….what makes people from seemingly good homes turn out the way they do. These movies were also for entertainment, and I was ‘entertained’ watching the layers of Christian Grey fall away. He became vulnerable, communicative, willing to release control. Like my ex boyfriend, Christian Grey savored the virginal ways of Ana. She was all his. No one else had ever been with her….at all. Controlling men (people) love this. For 2.5 years I heard over and over “you are all mine” or, “you belong to me”….sound familiar? He loved me, I know he did, but it was in his own way, different from what truly makes a relationship work. Compromise wasn’t an option. My age and naivety worked against me, and was taken advantage of. I had no point of reference and no real voice in what we did. These movies and books brought all of that back to me….the feelings, the shame, the anger, the sadness of a young girl becoming something she wasn’t, and taking years to really work through that, at the expense of some REALLY wonderful men. Of all three movies, the last 20 or so minutes of the final film was poignant to me. I actually cried at the very end. So, when you are married or in a committed relationship, does it matter what goes on behind closed doors, if it’s indeed consensual? My relationship was consensual, but I didn’t know any better. He enjoyed it, so I figured I should too, even though, in the back of my mind I sometimes thought there was something REALLY wrong with him. The books I must admit are better, though poorly written. The supplemental books from Christian’s point of view are even better, still poorly written, but feed into my desire to know some “whys”. So, off I go to continue reading….and continuing to stay up way too late and be way too tired the next day. Starbucks will make a killing off of me right now!

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